A Few Words for Teenage Guys

Do these gentlemen look happy? Yes they do.

      So I went to a dance tonight and couldn't help but notice that some of the guys were being very...how do I put this gently? Pathetic. Being a girl, I have secret insider information on how you guys can avoid being lame, have a good time, and even impress a girl.
One: Leave your manga sketchbook at home. I actually saw this tonight. It's a dance, not a cartoon convention. Fifteen years from now, do you want to live in your parents basement, sit in the corner, and doodle monkeys every Friday night? Please don't say yes, because I like to think positive thoughts about mankind.
Two: Brush your teeth. Did you think ladies like stale breath? No. Especially when we happen to be standing six inches away from your mouth.
Three: Don't say "No.". Or "Sort of." What kind of answer is that? This also happened to me tonight. Our society is male-dominated in many ways. If a girl works up the courage to ask you, that means she likes you. To some extent. Or maybe she just wants to have fun, and you happen to be the least ugliest guy in the room. Either way, good for you.
If you deny her, she will instruct your friend to tell you how pathetic you are, turn on her heel, and tell this amusing little story to five of her friends, three of her friend's friends, two of her cousins, her parents, her friend's parents, her church youth leaders, and that random guy who sits behind her in geography class.
At least, that's what I plan on doing over the next few weeks, unless I come up with a better Guy Story.
Four: Be a Man. Ask a girl to dance yourself. Why do you think we have dances in the first place? Centuries ago, a bunch of guys sat around and came up with a decent way to hold girls' hands. It's alright if you're nervous-that can be cute in guys. It makes us feel special. And powerful.
And don't worry about what she'll think-you aren't that ugly.
Five: Be Awesome. A tall, mysterious stranger steps into the center of the circle. All eyes are on him. Without warning, he does sort of flip with a scary twist in the middle and lands on his feet. Feminine screams fill the room.
If you're the type of guy who has reoccuring nightmares about crashig headfirst into hardwood floors, you can still show off. I mean, impress people. Instead of doing that boring step from left to right to left to right routine, get on youtube and learn something simple, like the box step. If she doen't know how to do it, you can teach her in all of fifteen seconds. Now you appear to be an experienced, talented dancer.
There are other ways to be awesome. A few months ago, I was at a dance at happened to meet up with my friend who was paralyzed over the summer and now uses a wheelchair. It was her first dance. Not one but two older guys asked her to dance.
We let them have their space, but as soon as the dance was over we crowded around her. Who was this sweet boy, we wanted to know, and how old was he? Where did he go to school?
Now that you have discovered these little tidbits of wisdom, your mission, and you had better choose to accept it, is to find a dance, something decent to wear, and a pretty girl. Or at least a nice looking girl. Or a girl with a pretty personality.
If you don't, I will bash my head into the keyboard, mutter a few choice words about the lack of chivalry these days, and blame you for the resulting headache.