Friday, December 27, 2013

Adults Aren't Real

Alleged adult photographed in his natural habitat. What do you think? Is this a real photo?
I've come to believe that adults aren't real. Though they often appear as characters in movies, books, and TV shows, I've seen a disturbing lack of evidence for their existence. I decided to conduct some research. Here's what I found.
1. Yesterday I went to eat at Sizzler. Like every other restaurant I've been in, there are two menus, called The Menu and The Kid's Menu respectively. What are the adults supposed to eat?
2. Next I took my research to the library. There are sections for Juvenile Fiction, Youth Fiction, and Fiction. No Adult Fiction. If these adults do exist they're clearly not expected to read books.
3. Flip open the Guinness World Records book. Sebastian Harris, 13, was the youngest person to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Robert Ballard was the first person to do it. All the articles I can find focus on the ship rather than Ballard's age. If he was an adult, they don't find it worth mentioning.
4. Newspapers. When a group of children raise money for charity, the headline is Kids Help Community for Christmas. If a photo shows a group of alleged adults, it's Insert-Town-Name Residents Make a Difference.
5. At Target, you can walk into the Children's Clothing section, and from there, buy either Girls' Clothes or Boys' Clothes. Adults are confined to Men and Women, located in Clothes.
6. I did manage to find some TV shows labeled as Adult Programming. But something weird's going on with my remote. It won't let me watch them. I guess I'll never know. Hundreds of other shows feature adult characters. Often there are no children, teenagers, or babies in the entire cast. Yet they don't fall into the Adult Programming category.
It's kind of sad. If adults do exist, they'll turn on the TV someday and realize their entire demographic is neglected. All they can watch is porn. Children have the Kids Shows. But adults are left with Holiday Movies, Romantic Comedies, and Sci Fi Shows. How are they supposed to know if those programs are for them?
Conclusion? Adults don't exist. If they do exist, they can't eat food, wear clothes, or contribute to society. Kids can. People can. But not adults.
Perhaps I'm wrong. You can read a novel shelved as women's fiction but there's no section for men. Guion S. Buford was the first black person in space while cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin was simply the first person. White men do exist. They're just as capable of reading and space travel. So capable that no one bother's to notice it. Gender and race, like age, affect our view of what it means to be a person.
Are adults really out there? Do they actually have influence on society-the restaurants, the newspapers, the stores-so much influence that we forget they're there? Are actors and Guinness World Record editors all adults? Have they taken their status as humans so seriously that they forget to recognize young people as anything but young?
Nah. I say it's an urban legend.

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