Research Fail

I've seen some pretty skewered statistics. 1 out of 3 American teenagers are obese. 25% of us can't locate our country on a map. The average teenager spends 30 hours a week watching TV.
And then I see this.

It's called proofreading. It works. 

The Original iPod Stroller

One day in first grade, I was walking home from the bus stop when I saw a kindergartener with a portable CD player. A kindergartener. Carrying what was supposed to be a big kid toy.
I was born in 1996. I didn't use the Internet until I was seven. I got my first iPod at ten and phone at fifteen. Aside from the phone, I never felt technologically deprived.
Now it's 2013. My nine year old brother had a 'game day' at school. Five kids brought iPads. Seven more had mini tablets. And my brother had I board game.
Sometimes I go to Target and see mothers entertaining their children with Angry Birds as they push them around in shopping carts. These infants know how to work an iPhone before their first birthday. And there are the kids who actually own iPods at the age of five. 

And you wonder why your kid knows more about technology than you do.

I like technology. Otherwise I'd be scribbling these thoughts to myself on notebook paper. But sometimes I feel like it's moving too fast. I mean, do we really need specialized iPhone holders? For babies? Exactly how many of those have been sold? You could probably buy the case, leave it empty, and your kid would have just as much fun.
Then I found this.

The year is 1921. The thing attached to the stroller is a radio antenna. As for the things inside the stroller...I'm not entirely sure those are humans. Maybe the woman just likes to read in front of her house while her dolls listen to music.
But the stroller can be used with real babies. And a radio is the 1921 equivalent of an iPod. So the changes that have been bothering me? Not exactly new.
A lot of things change.

A lot of things don't.

Invisible Underlings

Every year our school holds a Spirit Bowl. And every year the seniors win. Every. Single. Year. Naturally people started to suspect something was up, so at this year's assembly the SBOs specifically announced that "It's not rigged."
But nobody told the seniors. In the hallway by the auditorium is a huge black poster reading 'Seniors: The Odds Are In Our Favor.'
Yep, Hunger Games theme. The teachers are the Capitol and each grade gets the district corresponding to their number. So the seniors are District 12, everybody's favorite underdogs, juniors get eleven, home of Rue and Thresh. And the sophomores are left with ten, home of...uh...

Cows.
But I'm not going to complain about the numbers, it's just bad luck. What really bugged me is the mock Reaping they had on Tuesday. Everybody who dressed up nicely that day got a single point for their District. Then they got to put a paper with their name and grade in a bowl and got a piece of candy in return. If your name gets pulled, your district looses fifteen points. It's a gamble, but hey, free candy.
When they read off the names, more than half were sophomores, with seniors having the least. Two days later, we had the actual event.
Guess who won.
Guess who came in last.
In school plays, seniors will get all the leads, while sophomores with just as much experience are demoted to the ensemble. You'll never see a sophomore presiding over a club as an officer.
I know the playing field's not level. Everybody does. But could they at least acknowledge that it isn't?

IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!

I've always liked Roald Dahl. Like any self respecting third grader, I read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, though I have to say Matilda was my favorite. Matilda is about an unappreciated genius born into a family of television addicts. Much like Mike Teavee in Chocolate Factory. According to the Roald Dahl wiki, Mike is a "violence-obsessed, anger fueled television fanatic, who is seldom away from his television set." Dahl apparently had a thing against TV. When they adapted his novel "The Witches" into a motion picture, he stood outside the cinema with a megaphone, warning people not to see it. Which makes sense, because they completely screwed up the story.
A few months ago, I was browsing on poemhunter.com and found this little piece entitled simply 'Television'. This is where Dahl sums up his feelings about the ghastly machine, just in case we didn't get the message before.

The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install 
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.

(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?

IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!

'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,

AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!

And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
 
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,

And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-

Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did. 

 I cherish and admire Mr. Dahl, but I can't agree with him. Opinions like his were common in recent decades.  They still are, though most moral guardians have gotten bored with the crusade against television. And they grew up watching it themselves. So they've switched to preaching the evils of the Internet. Which makes me wonder. What atrocious forms of media will I be shooing my children from in 2033? Hmm...I've never been fond of video games...but they'll probably be offering gaming scholarships by then.
I like TV. I like books. My all time favorite show is Nelvana's Redwall cartoon. Especially season three, which contains many things Dahl would've approved of. Pirates, ships, cannibals, smugglers, gypsies, queens-no whales, but the characters are nearly eaten by a large fish once. I never would've discovered the Brian Jacques books without the show.

 
So maybe they do some good after all.

Nostalgia Ain't Like It Used to Be

Behold, the all-seeing Plato.

"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?"
-Plato, 4th Century BC

They spend the next sixty or so generations quoting you in graduation speeches.
At least nowadays, sculptures are allowed to have eyes.

What's this, color? Sculpture ain't like it used to be.

Do We Really Need Role Models?

It seems that every time I read some article about popular culture-books, movies, TV shows, internet-I hear a lot about the 'influence' they have on a young audience.

Disney gets a lot of backlash for their heroines. Ultra thin, helium voiced princesses who fall into comas and await rescue. Oh, and they supposedly make us anorexic.
Um, sorry, but you're idiots. Anorexia is a medical condition. And what would happen if Disney made a chubby princess? Anybody else remember the Cookie Monster controversy?

And it doesn't stop there, of course. Take Katniss.

A twelve year old girl is selected to kill other teenagers. Her older sister volunteers in her place, because death is bad. And they're trying to kill her, which worries Katniss, because death is bad. Then her friend gets eliminated from the game and Katniss cries. Because death is bad. Then she nearly has to kill a boy she cares for, which is a very stressful experience, death is bad.
The conclusion?
"We can't allow our children to watch this! It's graphic! It's gory! It's gruesome! It promotes death!"
Everybody from Katniss to Hermione is supposed to be a role model. The moral guardians wonder, "What's the appeal here? What's the message? What's the inspiration? What's the moral?" Never mind that we're reading for entertainment.
Singers and actresses get caught up in this too. Supposedly, we're all Miley Cyrus clones. But this is only relevant for females. Nobody cares whether Justin Bieber is setting a good example for preteen boys. Which, by the way, he isn't.
I don't have role models. Heroes, yes. I've always admired firefighters. Navy SEALS too. And Joan of Arc, Susan B. Anthony, J.K. Rowling, George Washington, those guys aren't bad either. Just face it. The world is full of awesome people. But that doesn't mean I'm going to join the military.
I listen to Taylor Swift, but I don't care what kind of clothes or hair of paper airplane necklace she's flaunting.
Now I'm talking about role models in popular culture. Parents are an entirely different matter. You want a kid who doesn't smoke, drink, and have sex? Here's a hint. Don't smoke or drink. And have the kid in wedlock. It works. You can't complain about your kid's problems if you're doing the same stupid things. Well, you can, but then the kid can call you a hypocrite.
Here's a good rule of thumb:
If you don't want your kid to watch, read, wear, or do it-
DON'T DO IT.

We're not stupid. If we want role models, we'll look for them in the real world. That is all.

Phone Etiquette: Teens vs. Adults

Yesterday I went to see Les Miserables with my friends. It's an incredible movie. You need to see it if you haven't already. But please, parents, don't bring your children. I saw kids young as eight being lead into the theater. It's rated PG-13 for a reason. But besides that...
Gun fights! Sword fights! Unrequited love! Barricades! Escaped prisoners! Tragic death scenes! Forty nine musical numbers!
The woman sitting next to us texted through the whole thing.
If you're going to pay $6.25 you may as well watch it.
I hate people who text during movies, whether it's playing in the theater or my basement. The room's almost completely dark. Do you really think we can't see the little blue light popping up? You could at least hide it.
Any teenager knows the rules of phone etiquette. Maybe it's because we've grown up with movie theater commercials telling us to please turn off any electronic devices.
We hold our phones in our laps. If we can't do that, we hold them level with our rib cages. But not before we locate a backpack, desk, or unwitting friend to shield them from view. That's common sense in high school.
Then I see adults who like to hold them at neck level. Maybe they're trying to read the tiny words. Most phones have a zoom function, but no I understand if some people haven't figured out how to use it yet.
Leaning forward, however, is a practical skill I encourage everybody to master before reaching the age of two.


Seems like he's got it down already.

I can't be too hasty to judge here. Cell phones are a fairly recent invention. Don't say we've grown up with them. I hate that. I grew up with  TV, yes, and computer games, but I didn't see anybody send a text until I was nine. Our parents owned cell phones first and we learned by observing them. By the time we got our first phones, we had a general idea of what to do with it.
We don't need to be taught phone etiquette. We're inventing it.