Halloween is Not So Scary

  
When I was in kindergarten, the teachers gathered all the kids in one room to watch a video about Halloween safety. We observed children in safe, visible costumes going to safe houses in a large group (though the voiceover explained it's better to be with a parent). When the kids went home, their parents (oh, now you show up) broke all their candy and pulled out the needles hidden inside.
Even though it was nine years ago, I remember thinking:
It's no fun to eaten broken candy.
And then, Nobody ever put sharp things in my candy.
As a matter of fact, nobody has ever died from eating Halloween candy a stranger has tampered with. It's an urban legend, people, like the Manhattan sewer gators. So have fun, get some cool candy, and don't worry-unless you live in New York.

Bangle Danger

 
     Everybody knows you shouldn't let children three or under loose with soap of laundry detergent-the labels are clear enough. But after a certain age, people are mature enough to be trusted around dangerous objects.
     Or are they?
     I noticed this label on a set of bangles I got to go with my fortune teller costume.
     Choking Hazard-Not for children under 13 years.
     Maybe they're measuring in dog years.
    There bracelets are approximately three inches in diameter. Do you know any twelve-year-olds with throats that large? But then again, they're made of flimsy metal. Maybe they would fit if you bent them just right.
    But really, who would do such a thing? My dog is smarter than that. He might chew on them if I jingled them in front of his face, but not swallow them.
    I guess that's just another one of the dangers you'll have to look out for this Halloween. Drugs, disgusting Almond Joys, overzealous boys dressed as zombies, and dangerous costume jewelry.

I'm Supposed to Be Three

               
     I was taking my dog on a walk yesterday when I ran into my neighbor, who had his dog and grand-daughter, a cute three-year-old named Callie, with him. Our dogs are buddies so we walked together, eventually ending up at the park.
     Callie had very specific ideas about how the playground equipment
was supposed to be used. I couldn't sit on the railing because I'd fall (all of three feet) and get hurt. I
had to step on the first stair leading to the slide, even though it only rises an inch above the ground.
She climbed up the slides, though, and let me do it as long as I climbed the right slide.
     After about ten minutes, Callie asked, "Where's your mom."
    "At home."
    "You're not supposed to be here alone."
    "I'm a big girl. I can go to the park alone."
    "No, I'm a big girl. I'm three."
    "I'll be fifteen in a few weeks."
    Callie didn't like that. "But you're supposed to be three!"

Why Cell Phones Are Necessary

                              
     A few months ago, I was at the movie theater with my friend Annie. The movie ended and we walked out into the lobby, wondering when one of our parents would pick us up. Did they know the movie ended at eight? We couldn't remember.
     Most of you probably see the solution to this: Call our parents. But neither of us have cell phones, so we wandered around, looking for somebody we knew. Usually it's filled with people we know, but not that day. After spending a good ten minutes looking at people, I noticed a pay phone. Neither of us had used a pay phone before, but there were little directions printed on the side.
1: Pick up reciever and listen for tone.
2: Insert quarter
3: Dial number
     I picked up the receiver and listened for tone. It was silent. Either we had somehow misunderstood step one, or the phone had been disconnected because nobody uses those things except for us.
     Luckily, Annie saw a girl she had known five years ago. She had a phone, and we were able to call for a ride.
     People say cell phones are unnecessary, especially for teens. I don't want one because all of my fri-ends have one-I want one because most of my close friends don't, and somebody has to call for a ride.
    

Quiz Time!

     This one is for all you mothers out there. You happen to notice one of your daughter's friends running around in a gorilla suit. Do you
A: Snort in disbelief. Teenagers these days!
B: Lock the door, draw the curtains, and warn your daughter never to make eye contact with that strange girl again.
C: Laugh. It is funny, after all.
D: Grab the gorilla suit you wore when you crashed your daughter's other friend's party, put it on, and chase your gorilla friend around the neighborhood.
     If you answered
A: It's called fun.
B: Somebody is a little fussy. What did you do for fun when you were a teenager-embroider samplers?
C: Good for you!
D: Mom, you're not allowed to vote. And you need to return that gorilla suit already. I'm sick of staring at that mask every time I get in the car.*
*And you thought I was weird.

ATTENTION!!!

                           
     Why didn't I think about that before? After all, I know everything. Except for how the heck I'm supposed to get a job at the age of fourteen.  I'll ask my parents.

Sarcastic Remarks

     What do you think you're doing, young lady? You can't sleep now. You've text messages to send, songs to listen to, essays to write, random phrases to google, blog posts to write, pictures to upload on facebook, and celebrities to follow. Up! Up! Up!
 
     Look at how efficient Little Joey is. Why can't you be more like him? Sheesh, teenagers these days.
 Why, back in my day...


I'll invite one of your little friends over. They'll make sure you do something online and you will be all smiles and sunshine.

 Speaking of sunshine, why don't you go outside and get some vitamin D?

     You heard me, go off and have fun!
     Now I have some time to figure out youtube without your dissbelieving gasps. Hmm...what does this button do? Wait...wait...got it! Yippee!

I Love This Quote

     As if being a teenager weren't hear enough-hormones going crazy, friends with hormones going crazy, teachers nagging you like crazy, parents with no patience for your particular brand of crazy, and mirrors with daily surprises that surely have no other purpose than to drive you crazy. No wonder everyone thinks teens are legally insane.
                 -Deborah Halverson
     Thank you. I'll use this as my excuse now.